One-Line Movie Reviews

Armageddon: Heroic meteor saves Earth from Bruce Willis.

Battlefield Earth: Like Braveheart… if Mel Gibson had an ongoing aneurism.

Bubba Ho-Tep: Elvis-Fu and a cowboy mummy… where’s the problem?

Butterfly Effect: Dude, where’s my memory.

Cabin Fever: Outbreak meets Deliverance, and not in a good way.

Charlie’s Angels 2: More helium than Goodyear’s blimp fleet.

Critters: Somebody put bear-trap teeth on Tribbles… the Klingons will be most displeased.

Dog Soldiers: Proving the only effective way to fight werewolves is with a British accent.

Dungeons & Dragons: Eight-year olds consider this movie puerile.

Equilibrium: Slipstream pic and damn cool gun-fu sequences

House of the Dead: The video-game had better depth, characterization, tempo, lighting, acting and plotting, and it’s cheaper to watch someone else play it.

Jason X: I am Borg, you will be decapitated…..

Last Samurai: Why is it every white man transited in a foreign culture ends up by teaching the natives about their own principles?

Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels: Everything sounds cool in Cockney.

Lord of the Rings Trilogy: Sean Astin in homoerotic situations… mmm… Sean Astin.

Malcolm X: This is the Oscars calling, Mr. Lee... we’d like to screw you out of some much-deserved awards.

Matrix Trilogy: The good, the bad and the ugly.

Mimic: Now if this monster can mimic a good movie, that would be impressive!

Night/Dawn/Day/Land of the Dead: Are we dead yet? Are we dead yet? Are we dead yet?....

Paycheck: The last one Ben Affleck should collect if he keeps “acting” in movies like this.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Johnny Depp plays Keith Richards meets Pepe Le Pew playing a pirate.

Princess Bride: Gamer flicks before Peter Jackson put us on the radar.

Snatch: The first movie-title the porn industry couldn’t rework.

Star Wars: Phantom Menace: You there… monkey #238,902… show me what you’ve written!

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: That sucked! Monkey #423,449… can you do better?

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith: Hmm… maybe I’m better off writing them myself.

T3: Sky-Net plots to destroy the world by electing the Terminator into office… no wait….

Tears of the Sun: Yet another, “Thank God for white people” movie.

Underworld: I’ll wait here while you transform into a werewolf… still waiting… no, please, take your time.

Underworld: Revolutions: Oh God, he’s undressing a Goth… this’ll take hours!

Volcano: I’m rooting for the volcano… that’s not a good sign.

Way of the Gun: Yet another Quentin Tarantino wannabe.

Movie Reviews For Movies I Haven't Seen

I haven’t seen these movies, but suspect they’re like…

Ishtar: …Crotch-watching at a retirement-home swimming pool.

Gigli: …A paper-cut across my eyeball.